FailClan
by casixt
Summary: A new clan has surfaced, made up of completely irregular characters that couldn't possibly appear normally in nature. They, however, try their best at being a clan amongst the others. (oneshot)


Epicstar glared at the sky, silently cursing Semi-Solar-MoonClan. But she turned to her deputy, Crazyfur, saying "Well I guess we'll just have to ride this out. Semi-Solar-MoonClan doesn't seem to be answering my calls."

Crazyfur responded with a curt nod, and then hopped off of the rock, heading to the medicine cat den where Randomface sat staring intently at three kits rolling in the dust in front of her. One kit, a golden tom with a strange horn on his forehead, had pounced on two she-kits, one dark blue with white stars, and one with a see-through body. The see-through she-kit then phased, and Unicornkit's paw went through Deadkit's chest, hitting the ground beneath.

"No fair!" squeaked Unicornkit.

"Yeah! That's not fair! I can't do that!" complained Fwooshkit.

"You never specified rules," replied Deadkit, stepping through her brother's front leg and shaking her fur.

"Well, I am now! Rule number one, No Phasing!" Unicornkit declared.

"Now you're just making up rules so you don't lose!" protested Deadkit.

"No I'm not! I'm making it fair for Fwooshkit, because you can't seem to play nice," Unicornkit responded, flicking his golden tail.

"Don't pretend you wouldn't've phased if you'd been caught, too," was all Deadkit had left to say.

"Alright you three, calm down," Crazyfur chided. The three kits, not to mention Randomface, all looked up in surprise. "Where's Wipeoutkit and Weirdkit?"

"Dunno," the three kits said in unison, and scampered off.

"Strange kits," the medicine cat, Randomface, commented.

"Well, they aren't mine, so it's no surprise," another cat said, this one a tall skinny white tom.

"Sure, Skinnybrain, whatever you say. Just because you've mated with Snakesong doesn't mean your kits are going to be the saviors of FailClan or anything," Randomface meowed, easily putting the over-powering tom in his place.

"Whatever," Skinnybrain said haughtily and padded away, presumably to find the white and brass-colored she-cat known as Snakesong.

"So, what was it you wanted?" Randomface asked measuredly, running a paw over first one side of her whiskers, then the other.

"Right, we're going to need to get more marigold leaves, and cobwebs. Semi-Solar-MoonClan refuses to give us a sign as to how the rest of the Clan will be faring when they come back from the skirmish," Crazyfur meowed. "And maybe some poppy seeds for pain."

"Get it yourself," Randomface replied, unconcerned, and walked off.

"Medicine cats," Crazyfur muttered, shaking his head. He stepped into the den, searching for the basic medicines for harmed cats. He set it all up just as a brown tabby came through the camp entrance, followed by the rest of the cats. Crazyfur went up to the brown she-cat, and helped her over to the medicine cat den. Her shoulder was bleeding heavily, and Crazyfur had to work quickly to staunch the blood flow with cobwebs. He put a poultice on it, and sent her to lie down. He looked at the line of hurt cats that had formed. "Next!" he called.

In limped a calico she-cat with an acid green base. "Loudmouth needs some poppy seeds. Loudmouth's paw hurts. A lot." Loudmouth spoke in third-cat. A lot.

"Loudmouth, are you sure you didn't just sprain your paw?" Randomface asked, finally padding back to her den and taking up responsibilities.

"Loudmouth believes that she just needs poppy seeds and everything will be better in the morning," snapped the she-cat. Crazyfur sighed, almost in sync with Randomface as he pushed over two poppy seeds. The calico licked them up quickly, and stumbled off to her nest.

"I swear to Semi-Solar-MoonClan, that cat's going to die of an unknown illness because she won't tell anyone what's really wrong," Crazyfur meowed, shaking his head. "It's always poppy seed this, and poppy seed that. One of these days, I think she just might overdose and die."

"She's going to die anyway; it's not like it's a big loss," Randomface replied, working on the next cat, this one a red and white spotted tom who was complaining. A lot.

"Ow, my tail hurts! No, my paw! OOOW! You just stepped on my leg! Owww, it hurts..." His screeches were extremely annoying, hence his name.

"Annoyingtail, shut up and eat some poppy seeds. It'll dull the pain. Then go and lie down. I don't want to see you getting up in the next day, no matter what!" snapped Randomface.

"But what if I'm hungry? What if I have to go make dirt? What if I'm thirsty?" he complained, laying his ears flat.

"Too bad. You'll starve. Sucks to be you. Now quit complaining and go to your nest," Crazyfur replied. The next cat came in, this one a rainbow-colored she-cat. "What's wrong with you?"

"I believe that my back has a deep claw mark that is in need of a poultice and some cob webs," Rainbowpaw meowed slowly, thinking. Crazyfur shoved the supplies needed at Randomface, who fixed up the small apprentice. "Thanks!" she called over her shoulder as she disappeared to somewhere else in the camp. The deputy and medicine cat then made light work of the rest of the injured cats, before Epicstar yowled for a clan meeting.

"All cats who feel like coming and discussing what went wrong with the attack today, get your butts into the clearing now," she called in a slightly-perturbed tone. Most of the cats then gathered below her, listening.

"So," she began, lashing her tail, "does anyone want to tell me what happened?"

"We failed, of course; ShadowClan refused to move borders, even after we fought," the brown she-cat who'd led the party in the first place called out.

"Idiots," Skinnybrain muttered, just loud enough for the whole clan to hear.

"Thank you, Normalheart. And Skinnybrain, may I remind you that I am leader of this clan, not you?" Epicstar said concisely.

"Yeah! Who'd want to be in a clan led by you, Skinnybrain? Certainly not Loudmouth, that's for sure," came the call of the third-cat speaking Loudmouth.

Skinnybrain hissed, but Epicstar yowled over the two. "ENOUGH! We are not here to fight amongst ourselves, although I'm sure a few of you would jump at the chance. We are here to plan for more room for our clan! Out of all six clans, FailClan has the least amount of space! I mean, WindClan has more space then us, and they have like, what, twelve cats? We have more than that and are still growing. We need a bit more space. True, perhaps asking ShadowClan for more room wasn't the brightest, but it was action. I vote we bring it up at the next Gathering. What say you?" she asked the clan.

"Hear-hear!" the cats below called in unison.

"Loudmouth suggests we go hunting now," Loudmouth yelled.

"Loudmouth, shut up!" came the growl of a mallard-marked tom named Duckfreckle.

"No, no, I agree with Loudmouth this time," Crazyfur declared. "the Clan does indeed need to be fed; I'm sure the queens are starving, along with the kits."

"Yeah, we are!" came a disgruntled yowl from back in the nurseries. Of course; always Bearweed to voice her displeasures.

"Send a hunting patrol out, then!" Epicstar ordered. "Crazyfur, you lead. Loudmouth, Duckfreckle, and Skinnybrain, accompany Crazyfur. Take along Rainbowpaw and Strangepaw, too. I want at least two pieces of fresh-kill per cat, got it? Good. Now go!"

Crazyfur signaled with his tail, and Loudmouth ambled slowly after. Duckfreckle and Skinnybrain lagged, not wanting to go. Rainbowpaw and Strangepaw, though, were practically stepping on Crazyfur's heels, raring to go and relieve some excess energy. The patrol left with glares from the other cats, who were quite hungry. A hunting patrol hadn't been sent out in ages. It was called FailClan for a reason, of course.

Crazyfur led the patrol through the undergrowth, scenting for prey. He led the group a suitable distance away from the camp, and told them to split up and catch two pieces of prey each, and then some. Everyone went off, with Skinnybrain complaining here and there, sure to scare away the prey indefinitely.

About a half-hour later, Crazyfur came back to the spot where he told the group to split up, and he yowled for them to come back. There was a rustle as Rainbowpaw and Strangepaw both came back with some mice, a vole, and a bird. "Pretty scrawny," commented a snide voice only belonging to Skinnybrain. "I mean, my three birds are about as fat as they come." He then laid down three of the skinniest sparrows any cat had ever seen. There was no comment as Duckfreckle came back. Last to arrive was Loudmouth, who was dragging a branch with leaves.

"Uh, Loudmouth, where's your prey?" Crazyfur asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Loudmouth caught a branch!" Loudmouth stated proudly. "It'll feed the queens for days, Loudmouth is sure."

"Loudmouth, you can't eat a branch!" admonished Duckheart.

"You can't? Loudmouth tried it, and it tastes good!" Just to prove her point, she stripped one of the minor twigs of leaves and chewed contentedly. "See? Delicious!" she meowed through the mash of green in her jaws.

Rainbowpaw and Strangepaw snickered as Crazyfur did a cat version of a face-palm. Loudmouth turned to look at the two apprentices. "What? Loudmouth thinks Loudmouth caught a mighty fine branch, better then your dumb mice, vole, and bird."

"Loudmouth, leave the branch here," Crazyfur commanded, as they started to head back to camp.

"But why? It's fresh-kill!" Loudmouth exclaimed, confused.

"You can't eat a branch!" exploded Skinnybrain. "You idiot, branches are inedible!"

"Well Loudmouth thought the branch tasted pretty good," she replied, sniffing loudly. "And Loudmouth thinks Skinnybrain will meet an unfortunate doom soon." Skinnybrain pretended not to hear. Loudmouth was constantly making not-so-subtle death predictions for the haughty tom. They made their way back to camp, and the cats all put their prey on the pile, minus Loudmouth's branch, as she couldn't get the big piece of 'prey' through the tunnel entrance.

Epicstar surveyed the small pile of freshkill. Then, taking a piece for herself, she yowled, "Grub's here! First come first serve, no seconds!"

A rampage of cats, kits included, came rushing forward to get prey before it was all gone. After just a few seconds, the pile was empty, with only a a couple feathers and a few scraps of fur to say that there was indeed a stash of prey there just moments before.

Fwooshkit and Deadkit were dragging two of skinnybrain's sparrows back to the nursery to share with everyone. Discowhisker, who had actually ventured out of the nursery to grab some food, was carrying two mice by their tails, her silver fur sparkling in the afternoon light.

Epicstar watched all this contentedly from her perch on a craggy-looking rock, she herself having taken a vole and a bird. A -CRACK!- startled her, almost making her fall off of the rock, and she swiveled her head, trying to find the disturbance. She relaxed, as she saw it was just Loudmouth pulling a broken branch through the tunnel entrance. Loudmouth set the branch down on the fresh-kill pile, and Epicstar hopped down from her rocky perch, and scoped out the branch.

"What a great specimen! This looks very tasty. Good job, Loudmouth! Perhaps the Elders and Queens and kits can all share this. How about you drag this over to them so they can have something to eat?" Epicstar flicked her tail in the nursery's direction. The elder's circle and nursery were right next to each other, so it was incredibly convenient.

Crazyfur watched this exchange with a incredulous expression. "W-what? But that's - that's a branch! You can't eat that!" he spluttered, as Loudmouth smirked and dragged the branch over to the nursery. She called in, announcing food. The queens and kits came out, and the elders too. Idiotfur's blue pelt glistened as he looked hungrily at the branch. Without a second thought, he wrapped his jaws around one of the twigs and crunched it off.

"Ish tasty!" he said around a mouthful.

"Idiotfur, you idiot, don't eat that!" Bearweed snapped, prodding the branch with a green-furred foot.

Discowhisker shrugged her shoulders, and tried a bite. Her kits, Unicornkit and Deadkit, followed her lead, practically splintering their mouths. The branch was stripped of leaves in minutes, and all the skeptical cats were staring open-mouthed at the leaf-less branch, and the burping cats who'd eaten it all.

"B-but...that's im-impossible!" burbled Fwooshkit. "Nobody can eat trees! It's just not logical!"

"It would seem as though Idiotfur and the rest of them found a way to do so," Bearweed said drily, with barely-disguised disgust. She stalked off back into the nursery, her belly swinging with the weight of kits. 'When I have these kits,' she thought to herself, 'I'm naming them normal Clan names, not names like Idiotkit or Randomkit, no. They'll get average names like Orangekit and Shrewkit, or maybe Spiderkit.'

* * *

**AN:** Please recognise that this is completely satire. Serious writing, unserious content. xoxo

The only immediate errors I can say that I see are the uses of "said" and other variations instead of "meowed", which is a problem that I don't particularly care to fix. Review if you'd like, I don't particularly care one way or the other. However, if enough people are really interested, I could be persuaded to continue this. (I think it stands alone fairly well, but the people want what the people want, I suppose.)


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